Bloody Valentines


Bloody Valentine is pitched as the perfect date movie because nothing says romance like extreme gore and violence.

In light of the recent Valentine’s Day, here is a list of games that are perfect date games.


-Grand Theft Auto

Because nothing says “I love you” like running over an old lady with an car, getting out, and beating her fallen body with a bat until money pops out.  It shows that in desperate times, you’ll do whatever it takes to provide for you family; even if your family is composed entirely of middle-aged, hairy, Italian men.


-Counter-strike / Halo

Dedication, focus, concentration, and knowing dozens of racial slurs; these are the skills learned through long hours of team-based multiplayer gaming.  After long sessions with your 5.1 headphones turned up to 11 and ignoring everything else in the room, you can show the one you love you can constructively focus on a single task even if you don’t notice them noticing you.


-Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

You’re smart.  You know this chick you just rescued isn’t your sister this time, because she has a real British accent.  You know that this takes place 10,o00 years before “a long, long time ago in a galaxy far away,” so this story is *really* old.  You know how to construct a lightsaber (by putting a crystal and lens in the hilt. done.).  The only thing you don’t know is why your date falls asleep as you talk to NPCs and play turn-based battles through your 60 hour adventure, rather than asking you how you know everything.  But as someone as smart as you must know, you can’t know *everything*.


-Gears of War 2

Two totally not gay macho guys on a mission to kill lots of other people by hacking them to pieces (that splatter across the screen) with chainsaws attached to their guns?  Best date game ever.  Your girl can even join the action by playing splitscreen as one of several musclely men.  All you have to do is teach her to take cover by pressing A, but only when facing cover at an exact perpendicular angle by using the left analog stick to control movement and the right analog stick to control facing.  Then after stuck to cover, she can easily use the left analog stick to pop out by holding it in a direction that is open, and the right analog stick to aim at other enemies behind similar cover with the left trigger, then use the right trigger to squeeze off bursts of fire

But don’t hold it down; that’ll make it inaccurate.

See? Easy.  Great pick up and play date game.


So, what game did you have your date watch you play on Valentine’s Day?

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